Last month, just moments before we were getting ready to say goodbye to our Florida life I was musing to Pete about how fast it all seemed to be happening. Buying the new house, packing the old house, the end of school, the going-away party…it just seemed to be whirling by at the speed of light.
Pete gave me the I-can’t-believe-you-just-said-that-and-I-think-you-might-be-utterly-insane-and-I-can’t-quite-believe-I’m-married-to-a-loon-like-you.
I know. That’s quite a look isn’t it? You should see it in action.
“Anissa. It’s been eighteen months.”
Well…it DID seem fast there at the end! Eighteen months or not, it was a strange mix of time flying by me and moments that couldn’t pass fast enough.
Part of that? Is my inability to cope with change.
I know, I know. I’ve really done noting BUT deal with uproarious change for the past few years and that goes a long way to how well I handled the whole job/move/lifechange.
It took me eighteen months to get a grasp on moving and actually embrace it.
EIGHTEEN MONTHS.
Well, I have another pretty significant change coming up.
Again, it’s been in the works for a long time, but the actual execution both thrills me and freaks me O.U.T.
I’ll be retiring this site soon.
There. I said it. I’ve alluded to it, I’ve hinted at it and I’ve known in my heart that it’s the right time to do this….but that’s the first time I’ve come right out and said it.
I’m going to stop writing at this site.
This site that has given me a place to dump my fears, my laughter, my happiness and my anger. This site has been a place where I both gave and recieved tremendous support. This site became a part of my family…it became a huge part of my identity.
When I started writing in this space, I had no idea where it would take me. I was a frightened mother trying to make sense of concepts that were mystifying…cancer, chemo, my child’s mortality, my role in it, would we survive it, would she?
It was never supposed to bring in an “audience”, nor was it supposed to spark a creative need that had lain quietly inside me. It wasn’t supposed to become my voice anymore than I was supposed to become a writer.
It all just happened.
Now I’m planning to move to another internet space.
A place that won’t be a daily reminder of the cancer that has BEEN our lives for so long.
A place that I’m hoping will let me start healing from the fears I live with every day.
A place that my two children not named Peyton won’t feel slighted.
A place that won’t make me feel like I’m holding onto it because I’m going to need it again.
A place that will allow me to talk more freely because there are things I’ve felt awkward talking about or sharing because this site is so much intertwined with the lives of other cancer kids.
I won’t shut this site down, it’ll still be live and available for any family that comes along searching for a flare of hope. I can’t say that I won’t ever write here again after I move to the other site.
But it’s time.
I’ll share the new site information soon.
In the meantime, I’m gritting my teeth and getting ready for another big change.
I hate change.
