It’s hard when you come eye to eye with traits in your personality you wish didn’t exist. Maybe you know they’re there and you work around them…sometimes better able to control them than others.
Friends and I have talked about the effort it takes to teach our kids, and especially our ones who are sick, to get off that platform of self-entitlement. It’s difficult when people are constantly patting you on the back and telling you what a good big brother and sister you are, how strong and brave you are, when you’re inundated with cards or gifts or tokens of love every time you so much as fart.
And it’s not that I’m not thankful for that, don’t get me wrong…they DO deserve to be acknowledged for being brave, for surviving the impact of cancer in our lives, for managing to weather three years of hell and not come out the other side as complete and total punks.
Yet, they aren’t allowed to just assume that because they breathe they deserve.
You are not celebrities or royalty…and the main thing that I dislike about celebrities and royalty IS that innate sense of self-entitlement.
I AM therefore I DESERVE.
Scrolling through my Google reader, I pause on a blog post from one of my most favoritest writers, Casey at Moosh In Indy. She wrote about comparing yourself to others and finding fault in what you have because it’s not what others have and learning not to define yourself by “where you are” in your life…but by the quality of faith and love with which you live it.
For some reason…it didn’t even really have anything to do with this…it slapped me in the face like a wet towel.
I have been so busy worrying about my kids looking like GIMMEGIMMEGIMME jerks, I may have forgotten to take a self-reflective moment and recognize that in myself.
And it hit me HARD that I’ve been THAT self-entitled jerk regarding this house and my expectations of life now that Peyton’s ended treatment.
I can truly sum it up in the house-buying effort.
I want that big, shiny, wonderful, lovely house with the sparkly goodness in every nook and cranny. I want the big yard where I can watch the kids build forts and play raucously. I want the nice neighborhood with it’s mini-van brigade and the apple pie home-yness of it all. I want the slick transition into a normal life.
WE deserve it. I deserve it. My husband deserves it. My children sure as hell deserve it. We have been through so much.
We had plans before she got sick. We had goals and a spreadsheet and EXPECTATIONS. And they all fell by the wayside when our situation became so much bigger than us. Our only goal was to get her through treatment…and keep our family intact. Peter and I took turns whispering, “Don’t leave me, k?” We sometimes overhugged our kids to try to reinforce with the strength of our arms the love in our hearts that we didn’t always have or TAKE the time to say.
And now that it’s “over”?
We deserve some happiness and joy. We deserve to be a family and just love each other more every day.
However, it’s been a struggle for me to come to grips with the fact that it doesn’t mean we deserve the Barbie Dream House. It doesn’t mean we HAVE to have new furniture. Nowhere did we sign the contract that said if we got through it we got to be a complete jerk about what we felt we’d been shortchanged.
And by “we”, you all know I truly mean “I”.
The clouds parted and, although it took a considerable amount of mental KY jelly and Crisco, I managed to pull my head out of my own butt.
I HAVE everything I ever prayed for…I GOT everything I ever needed.
I have more than so many.
My daughter is alive…when so many we know (and don’t know) didn’t win their cancer battle.
I have my marriage…we watched too many families split apart from the strain.
My family is amazing…I’ve seen the effects of this experience transform people.
I have the support of an army of friends…an unexpected but tremendous blessing.
I have this blog…it’s been a lifeline and a dumping ground and a safe haven, and without it the army of friends I mentioned would be much smaller.
My husband has a job…nothing to scoff at when millions of family are facing financial devastation.
We have options and the ability to make plans and start setting goals and anticipating the future.
I have faith that God has us firmly where we are supposed to be right now and if we keep on trusting Him things will work out.
So, today I got the news that we aren’t going to get that house…we may, in fact, have to rent something smaller and less exciting and not the shiny brass ring I’d hoped for at the end of a long, tiring ride.
I am SO ok with that.
In a way I didn’t think I would be.
But enough that I’m actually pretty proud of myself.
Which, I suppose, is a post for another day. *sigh* It’s hard being me.
***********************************
Still giving away that HP Photosmart All-In-One Wireless Printer! And a lot of you got thee hence and entered, but it’ll be open for entry until Feb 3, so just get used to hearing about it!
on Jan 29th, 2009 at 7:50 am
Oh doll. You do deserve that brass ring. Don’t sell yourself short either. Yes, it may not come in the form of the perfect house or neighbourhood but it came and it lives inside your chest.
You and your family are incredibly brave. You have come through hell and have been immensely lucky to come through with all your pieces. But I can’t imagine coming through that with as much grace as you have. With as much compassion for others suffering with families as for your own.
You are not a “gimmegimme”. In fact everytime I visit this blog I watch you give another piece of YOU away to someone else in crisis. It’s beautiful and you need to give yourself a little more credit.
You are amazing.
Double Agent Girls last blog post..Rzzzzzzz….
on Jan 29th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Oh girl. I HEAR YOU. xoxo
moosh in indy.s last blog post..renerfing. one ball at a time.
on Jan 29th, 2009 at 9:57 am
As I see it, you have the brass ring.
You’ve had it in your pocket for a while and forgot it was there. Mindlessly you stuffed your hand in your pocket and thought, what’s this?
Upon examination it’s like, “Whoa, is this the ring? I think it is.” and as you so aptly listed, you have the good stuff, the marriage the children, the job, the friends.
You’ll continue to create a home for all of that goodness regardless of the address. You’re fancy house will happen if that’s what you want, but your home is already built and being lived in.
on Jan 29th, 2009 at 10:56 am
I’m proud of you, too. You’re absolutely right about forgetting the miracles we have when we want so much more. I am guilty of this as well.
I think that’s part of being human.
Thanks for being human, and for forging the path for moms like me.
Danas last blog post..Who’s Your Tripper Jones?
on Jan 29th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
The bigger the house, the bigger the chores. Just think of all of the square footage that you WON’T have to clean! :o)
citystreamss last blog post..Thievery
on Jan 29th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Lovely post. It makes me was to re-evalutate my priorities, too.
Jen Ws last blog post..The solution to all your parenting problems…Talk like Yoda.
on Jan 29th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
You’re not a jerk. You are an amazing person and an awesome friend.
Karalyns last blog post..It’s A Boy!
on Jan 30th, 2009 at 4:06 am
Don’t give me more credit than I deserve, but thank you. Your faith in me definitely soothes my soul.
AND what’s up with not warning a girl that you restarted your blog? Missed you!
on Jan 30th, 2009 at 4:06 am
I knew you would.
on Jan 30th, 2009 at 4:07 am
You’re so right! I do have the brass rings, and tonight they’re sleeping in their beds, safe and sound and loved.
on Jan 30th, 2009 at 4:08 am
Oh man! And I love you for saying that, but I hate to think too many of you have to walk down a path I forged…there will probably be a bunch of beer bottles and US weekly magazines littering the way.
We all have to be honest with ourselves…and love ourselves anyways.
on Jan 30th, 2009 at 4:09 am
AMEN! And, frankly, we don’t own enough furniture to even begin to fill that house.
on Jan 30th, 2009 at 4:10 am
*hugs*
on Jan 30th, 2009 at 4:10 am
You are definitely one of the blessings we gained along the way. Who’da thunk it? Love!
on Jan 30th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
LOVE is ALL you NEED to quote the Beatles! GET Together and STAY together is what really really counts! Everything else is extras! Be good to each other and LOVE one another. In the end of every thing that is all that matters. You and Pete and the children need to be TOGETHER!
Love and Peace,
Pat
on Jan 30th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
Ohmygosh, this post is amazing. I just don’t know what else to say about it. I could read it every day as a great reminder for being thankful and counting my blessings.
Holly at Tropic of Moms last blog post..Driving in the snow, South Florida style
on Jan 31st, 2009 at 9:27 am
Oh sweets, you derserve a castle…which is why we are going the joint Big Love mansion route. We’ll live like the Queens we are:)
brittanys last blog post..Two unrelated topics that bug me in equally irrelevant ways
on Jan 31st, 2009 at 11:40 am
The Stones are wise, dude. So are you from the sound of it.
Kylas last blog post..[Almost] Weekend Update