My worries about Peyton’s upcoming clinic visit and my excitement about the upcoming trip to Chicago for BlogHer collided in my dreams.
I dreamed that she relapsed and I couldn’t go on my trip. I was suddenly plunged back into the world of chemotherapy and treatment and being a fulltime nurse and you know what I did?
I spazzed out about not being able to go on to my blogger convention.
Oh yes.
My dream self threw a monumental hissy fit in the face my child’s disease and got ugly about not going to CHICAGO.
For real.
Well, not REAL, but in-my-dream-real.
And I woke up wanting to punch myself in the face.
Is it possible that I could truly be THAT selfish?
Is there a special place in hell for parents like me that resent their sick kid for being sick?
PUNCH.IN.THE.FACE.
But after thinking about it, searching deep, I had to admit that I would be monumentally unhappy if she relapsed and I missed the conference.
Why WOULDN’T I be?
It’s not just the conference, it’s the life we’re starting to have again.
It’s the world that doesn’t revolved around daily medications….making plans only to know that chances are good that we won’t be able to see them happen….having Nathaniel and Rachael’s lives turned upside down as their needs are always put on the backburner while we take care of the life and death issues Peyton faces.
It’s nothing exciting, but it’s just….simple….plain….normal.
Things normal families take for granted. Things it wouldn’t occur to them to even think of as extraordinary.
“WOW, we really ARE all sitting around the table having dinner again.”
“It’s been six months since we’ve been to the hospital.”
“Her hair might need a trim.”
Replaced with cancer…steroids…shots…surgeries…hospitals…watching my girl lose her oh-so-very-proud-of-it hair…with tears this time around…the pain and fear in her eyes…the pain and fear in mine…the unknown…the unthinkable.
Yup. Angry. I would be angry. I would be boiling with rage so fiery it would threaten to consume my very being.
And I think it’s possible that if I were able to channel all my anger into one measly missed trip? I’d be entitled to it.
But it was just a dream.
And I still sort of want to punch myself in the face.
on Jun 29th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Oh honey, don’t beat yourself up over how you’re feeling! You’re anxious and rightfully so – you’ve been through the ringer and afraid to go through it again, I would probably be handling it similar to you. It isn’t so much the conference as much as the normalcy, just as you said. Give yourself a little break, ok? No punching yourself, you’re face is too beautiful. *hugs*
Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parentings last blog post..Asking for Photography Help
on Jun 29th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
I pass the anxiety torch to you, you have better reason, but don’t beat yourself up- you are an amazing mother that deserves to get drunk with me.
tenas last blog post..A Fortified Breakfast
on Jun 29th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
I agree with Lisa & Tena…Don’t beat yourself up, it just isn’t worth it. xoxo
Heather @ Domestic Extraordinaires last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: The Flying Edition
on Jun 29th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Oh, don’t be too hard on yourself. First, it’s a dream… well, a nightmare, really. I’m praying that the clinic visit will go well. Don’t feel too guilty for being upset at the thought of the cancer coming back, though – you can still be angry and be strong for your kid. You can be angry and still be supportive, and you can still be angry and be a good mother. And you are. Part of being a good mother is being human, and that anger/frustration and, yes, subsequent guilt? Just part of being human, hon. It might suck, but it’s what we are.
MG @ MommyGeekologys last blog post..Promises, Promises
on Jun 29th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
I ask you, my brave and amazing friend, who would NOT feel the way you did in that dream? I’m thankful that I don’t a know a single person whose gut reaction would differ from yours (and dreams are gut reactions, right?). Because, OMG, I would have to hate the person who is THAT saintly. 😉
Faiqas last blog post..The Way You Made Me Feel
on Jun 29th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
You can’t control your dreams, nor can you take them very seriously. I’ve had some real doozies that rattled me for weeks. You’re a damn good mother, and you know it. I think it’s normal to be fearful of what could be. xo
Karen Sugarpantss last blog post..Compassion
on Jun 29th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
Just wanted to say that I’ll have you and Peyton in my thoughts tomorrow. Hoping for perfect counts and an end to your worries. Best wishes kiddo. xxx
Stephanies last blog post..
on Jun 29th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
This is completely understandable. I am so glad it was just a dream. May it stay there.
Steph
Adventures In Babywearings last blog post..And just like that I locked my baby in the car.
on Jun 29th, 2009 at 10:45 pm
Dreams only represent things, so it wasn’t literal. Of course in real life you’d be so terrified for Peyton you wouldn’t give the conference a second thought. The conference most likely represents all those things you mentioned, that you would lose if she was sick. I used to dream about flying into a rage because my brother took my KitKat. But really it was my resentment that he is such a selfish person, not the KitKat.
Your mind is also trying to deal with the feelings you DON’T want to admit – like you said, the resentment that cancer will disrupt your entire family, so your sub conscious lets you feel it while you sleep!
on Jun 30th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Who can I punch in the face over myself not being able to go to BlogHer?
Sarah @ Ordinary Dayss last blog post..Why Do They Use The Word Fingers When They’re For Toes?
on Jul 1st, 2009 at 12:13 am
I just recently found your blog but I admire your strength and courage. Please do know that you have showed so much courage as I read through your blog. I don’t think there is anyone who wouldn’t feel the same way. Like you said, it’s not just the conference but it’s everything in your life even little things or big things. Big hug for you!
Amy @ Atlanta with Kids last blog post..5 Free Events for Girls at The American Girl Store