In all honesty, I wish I could tell you that I was all sunshine and roses right now, but my heart is so heavy and I am full of sadness that yet another of our friends is facing more treatment due to relapse.
Saturday I took the kids to see “Horton Hears a Who”, which is a mouthful, I’ll admit and if you’re not careful, you’ll tell people what Nathaniel did. On complete accident, rushing to tell how funny the movie was and not even having idea what he said….
“We saw ‘Horton Hears a Whore’.”
Can I just tell you how hard it was to get tickets to THAT showing?? We got a few looks, but there’s nothing I won’t do for my kids!
The whole time I was watching the movie, my mind just whirled with the knowledge that Sierra had relapsed. It was all I could think about and I was just overwhelmed by anger and frustration and anxiety by the seemingly endless barrage of bad news. I wanted to punch something, I wanted to stand outside and just scream until I had no voice left. Instead, I made calls to those people who seem to ground me the most, help me refocus….oh how THANKFUL I have those people. I wish I could tell you that they gave me words that made it all ok and infused me with all sorts of strength and wisdom, but there aren’t words enough for that.
What I did get were the gentle reminders that through it all…good, bad and ugly…God is in control. I am so a work in progress with that giving it up to God thing, I try, I really do, but there are just days when that is an easier thing in theory than in reality. Because I want my children healthy, I want cancer to be gone from all these kids, I want “cures” that actually cure…this doesn’t sound like too much to me.
I will be very honest that as soon as my kids were gone, my mind went all the places it shouldn’t go. I mentally lined up all the kids I know with Leukemia and realized that out of most of them, Peyton was the one with the most likely chance of relapse. I had to go through that mental experience of “what if we’re next”. It hurt so much to even contemplate it that I am awed by the strength of the families living it, let alone the ones who have the perseverance to wake up each day after having lost a child.
When I say that I hurt for these families going through cancer and that I ache for the ones who are facing these relapses and all the uncertainty of time and treatment, it isn’t a turn of phrase. I mean, my chest actually hurts, it’s hard to breathe sometimes, my head just pounds, it is a physical reaction to all of it. But to the depths of my soul, I trust that God’s plan is holding each of these children and that his love for them surpasses anything we can even imagine, and it gives me comfort. I know that if it were to be Peyton, I would hate that, Peter and I would be devastated. But we would find that strength we needed to get through and do what needed to be done for her.
So I just ask that you all pray for these families…the ones going through treatment….the ones that are facing more treatment….the ones who are in fear because of the unknown and the possibilities…the ones who are making the memories that are going to have to sustain a lifetime of loss….the ones who wake up to a day that has an emptiness that can never be filled again…just pray for that strength to be given to them, that peace is a part of their daily lives, that God fills them with the faith and knowledge that all the things that are so out of our control are never out of his.
I did get the chance, both today and yesterday, to spend some time with the Keslers, the Gunns and the Reicherts. It was a blessing for me to be able to go there and just give them the love and encouragement, because it’s all I have. Maybe it’s this burning need to do SOMETHING, anything, but I just have to go and I have to hug and love these families. I sure hope it makes them feel better somehow, because it does me.
Way to make it all about me, right?!
Peyton is doing great. I do have to tell you all that she looks wonderful, she’s full of energy and laughter and has learned to roll her eyes with the best of them. She is sassy and happy and I have to focus on the positive progress she continues to make.
Nathaniel and Rachael are both gearing up for a week of testing at school. They have their standardized tests, not FCAT thankfully! Both could care less about the tests, they are just excited they have a week of no homework followed by a week’s vacation with Dad.
OH! I have to tell you what Pete did. You might remember that as a way of avoiding the “Why didn’t we get a Wii for Christmas?” conversation that I’m sure many parents who were unable to find one went through, I had made a deal with the kids. I told them as soon as one of them could lick their elbow, I would run out and get one. So far so good! No licking success (ok, that just sounds weird), no complaints about the Wii because they know what they have to accomplish and no pulled muscles in the daily attempts.
Pete texts me last night that he’s decided to run out to Wal-mart and see if they have any in preparation for our visit. He has no furniture or anything to really do, so he’s hoping the kids will think that Daddy’s place is cool if that’s where the Wii is! He texts me that there are no Wii’s. That’s good with me, we struggle with enough electronics as it is.
I wake up this morning and there it is.
A text.
12:05 AM “We’re getting a Wii!”
This man stood in line at midnight because they couldn’t sell them until midnight and just waited for a Wii. And he got one.
My caveman husband returns triumphant from the hunt with his prey in tow! The man procured the Holy Grail of gaming systems. He may not have scaled Mt. Everest or swam the English Channel but he will now be the favorite parent! I gave birth, but he gave a Wii. It’s so unfair.
We haven’t told the kids yet, we’re going to surprise them when we get there. He’s ruined my daily laugh at my kids’ Cirqu de Solei audition level contortions for the Wii.
He’s actually agreed to let me bring it back home with me too!
Who says miracles don’t happen every day!
f.r.o.G….fully relying on God
–Anissa
on Mar 31st, 2008 at 4:04 am
Oooooooooooh you got a WII? Gosh are they that hard to get in the US? Here in Australia I could drive to K-Mart and be back with one in about 15 minutes. But I won't. Anywho, now that you have a wii you can officially say goodbye to Nathaniel, as you won't see him anymore. Just the back of his head facing that screen. Those things are powerful addictive drugs to males. You have been warned.
on Mar 31st, 2008 at 7:12 am
Wow! Can we come to Pete's too? We could actually go before you get there and break it in for you, you know to make sure it lives up to its expections.
Love the first date stories!
Praying for Sierra.
Praying for Peyton and mommy too.
Love,
Ang
on Mar 31st, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Anissa,
I'll be lifting those families up in prayer who are going through the deepest waters of life. The fear and anxiety of the "what ifs?" are so real and very difficult to escape sometimes.
I'm sure the families have been blessed to have your support, love, encouragement, prayers and hugs!!! Probably much more than you realize.
A Wii- how cool is that? I'm sure you will all have fun with that.
I'm so thankful that Peyton is doing well. Keep remembering He's got a plan and purpose for our children's lives (Jeremiah 29:11).
Take care my friend!!
Julie
on Mar 31st, 2008 at 9:08 pm
Even with everything going on in the lives of your friends, you are still able to lift the spirits of others. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You are a wonderful person. =)
on Mar 31st, 2008 at 10:51 pm
Anissa – Your posts always inspire me.
But, I wanted to warn you, seriously, about tennis on the Wii. Seriously, watch out. I plaed one night with my sister and her friend (they are 10 and 11) and the next morning, I was so incredibly sore. People aren't lying when they say it's a serious workout.
I just wish I was as good at real sports as I am at the fake ones.